Monday, January 7, 2008


Resuscitated from an old email and from, after having dealt with real estate agents:

In this modern world of ours, with all the crazy technology we have like cell phones, air bags and spoons, people are more likely than ever to piss you off (stupid fucking spoon-users. I can’t stand their scooping ways). The good news is, you don’t have to take it. Whenever some ass-rod shits in your porridge, just ask yourself WWCD? That’s right, What Would Conan Do?

Conan is probably the best philosopher in the history of thinking. He kicks ass over Socrates. In fact, I’ve based my entire life off of the following quote from Conan the Barbarian, the only movie featuring loincloth-clad shirtless men that I’ll ever admit in public to watching:

Some dude: “Conan, what is best in life?”Conan: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentations of their women.”

That’s what I’m talking about! But how do you apply that philosophy to your everyday life? It’s easy. I’d be glad to show you how to crush your enemies just like me (Disclaimer: is not responsible for any legal action taken as a result of enemy crushing). Below you’ll find some common situations that most people have to deal with at one point or another. First, I’ll show you how a schmuck would handle the situation, and then I’ll show you how Conan would handle that same situation. Ready? Let’s go!

Situation One: You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off.
A Schmuck ignores the incident, doesn’t even blow his horn, and then goes home and cries himself to sleep on his futon in the efficiency apartment he rents from a hobo.
Conan the Barbarian pursues the offending motorist to the ends of the Earth and then hacks him to death with a broadsword.

Situation Two: You find out someone at the office has been saying nasty things about you behind your back.
A Schmuck spits in that person’s coffee mug, then feels bad, washes it out, and realizes the nasty things being said are probably true.
Conan the Barbarian throws the jerk into a pit with a giant snake, laughs while the snake devours him, and then hacks the snake into tiny pieces for good measure.

Situation Three: Junior comes home with an F on his report card.
A Schmuck tells the kid it’s okay because he figures little Johnny is genetically predisposed to sucking at life.
Conan the Barbarian decapitates little Johnny with an axe and then has sex with hundreds of women in the hopes of producing an heir who’s worthy of succeeding him as King of Aquilonia.

Situation Four: The horse you bet finishes dead last.
A Schmuck goes ahead and breaks his own kneecaps so the bookie doesn’t have to do it for him and then sells his kidneys on the black market to pay back the debt.
Conan the Barbarian breaks the horse’s jaw, burns the horsetrack to the ground, and turns the bookie’s skull into a bowling ball. Then he goes bowling (and God help us all if he throws a gutterball).

Situation Five: “That’s So Raven” is a re-run.
A Schmuck watches the re-run and hopes it doesn’t violate the terms of his parole.
Conan the Barbarian doesn’t notice because he’s too busy killing everyone at the Electric Company for making those “Conan the Librarian” shorts. Note to self: never take a Cimmerian’s name in vain.

Situation Six: You get a parking ticket.
A Schmuck argues with the meter maid, gets nowhere, and then goes home and puts the barrel of a gun in his mouth just to see how it feels.
Conan the Barbarian initiates a bloody coup, proclaims himself King of the Universe, and outlaws all parking tickets. He also outlaws all cars because he thinks they’re big metal monsters.

Situation Seven: A bum asks you for money.
A Schmuck asks if the bum has change for a twenty and then hands over the whole bill when he says no.
Conan the Barbarian dumps a steaming vat of body parts on him and then bashes his skull in with a mace.

Well, there you go. I'd run through some more situations for you but I have to go make "WWCD?" bracelets. Peace out, yo.

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