Monday, September 3, 2007

Gulliver's Travels - Journey to the Locker Room

Just like you'll come across a great selection of stereotypes and misfits in the weight room, the locker room holds a wide selection of freaks along with the - at least on the surface - normal population. For obvious reasons, this blurb only deals with the weirdos that are prevalent in men's locker rooms. The ones you just can't help noticing.

The Rod Stewart
The dude who walks around and eyes himself in the mirror, and is convinced that everyone enjoys the sight of him as much as he does. Practically prances around to the tune of "If ya want my body, aaand ya think I'm seeexy" playing inside his mind.

Indoor soccer or squash posse
Douchebags who roll at least deuce deep. Enjoy having conversations across the locker room about how they didn't suck at the squash game today, what they're gonna do on Saturday, how some chick eyeballed them while they played, etc. Totally oblivious of other people who have to put up with their inane chatter and annoying presence.

Grumpy old guy
Makes good and damned sure to sit where everybody have to pass by him so as to give him an excuse to grumble about constantly having to move out of the way.

Loitering old guy
The creepy old dude who sits or walks around in his boxers when you arrive to change into gym clothes, eyes wandering. Still sits in his boxers and checks out the scene when you come back after training.

Asian Ladyboy
For some unknown reason, there is a subset of male Asian gymgoers who insist on dressing in tight tanktops and spending a whole lot of time donning bling, applying hair gel - spiking the 'do just right - and putting on eye shadow before going from the locker room to the weight room. Where they proceed to do bench presses and bicep curls, but that's another story. Often roll at least deuce deep.

Never showered in his life guy
Pretty self-explanatory. If you can smell their presence from right across the room, personal hygiene ain't at the top of their lists, you know what I'm sayin'.

Naked shaving guy
Freak show who stands stark, raving naked and shaves in the locker room mirror each and every damn time I enter the locker room.

Really creepy naked old guy
Supercreepy 50+ dude who hangs around completely naked and likes to talk to people while putting one foot up on the bench. Apparently prefers to talk to seated people.

You might think that I'm going to a weird gym, but unfortunately, these are stereotypes I've had the considerable misfortune of coming across in several gyms on two continents. I'm just lucky, I guess..


Anders said...

Hey, don't be mean! I play squash and suck at it...

Wilhelm said...

Well; are ya douching up the locker room with long-distance conversations at high volume? Do you use an entire spray can of Axe just for the benefit of the "locker room community"

SATS kokstad, right?

Anders said...

Skanska's gym for employees.

Basically, it's only me and the dude who I play squash with in the locker room. And in the entire "gym". Which kinda makes the shouting unnecessary. And our stories about chicks eyeballing us when play are not very credible...