Friday, June 27, 2008

'Cause If I Had A Million Dollars..

"If I had" is an excellent song from the Slim Shady LP, but enough about Eminem. Anders' posting of the abysmal Little Wing cover perpetrated by The Corrs reminded me of a topic I've been thinking about for a while, but never bothered to outline beyond the one-liner format in various social settings. The concept is as follows: If I one day - presumably a fine day - would wake up and find that I had pretty much unlimited financial resources, I would buy a house with a hyooge elevator. Let's say that I discovered that I'd won all the lotteries in the world simultaneously or something, without buying any tickets. As anyone with a modicum of mathematical education knows, whether or not you buy a lottery ticket, or whether you buy a lottery ticket before or after the numbers are drawn, have precious little effect on your odds of winning, but I'm digressing. The bottom line is; in this scenario I'm filthy rich, and I'm in possession of a big-ass elevator.

In other words, I've got an unlimited booking budget and a venue, meaning I can book various artists and have them play in the venue for which their music is best suited, and because they're so overrated it ain't even funny (says I). Many of the biggest artists are nothing but franchises anyways, so I'm sure that their management would have them play anywhere as long as the chedda' was at the table. Besides; many of these artists have got to pay bills of the kind most of the population are unlikely to receive, like gold faucets, Cristal by the barrel and spendin' money for 75 of their closest friends. Just to make things interesting, I'm not necessarily limiting my list of artists to the,living - that's how much faith I have in research. With that taken care of, here's a preliminary list of artists that would definitely get a gig in my elevator (not necessarily in any particular order):
  • Eric Clapton
  • Robbie Williams
  • The Rolling Stones
  • The Beatles
  • Led Zeppelin
  • The Corrs
  • The Doors
  • Justin Timberlake
  • Eric Clapton
  • Nightwish
  • KISS
  • Morten Abel
  • Metallica (post Black Album)
  • Tom Jones
  • Secret Garden
  • Coldplay
  • Smashing Pumpkins
  • Nirvana
  • Eric Clapton
  • R.E.M
  • Oasis
  • Blur
  • Bob Marley
  • Julio Iglesias
  • Pink Floyd
  • Whitney Houston
  • Moby
  • Rod Stewart
  • Garth Brooks
  • Backstreet Boys
  • Eric Clapton
  • The Who
  • Sting
  • Jean Michel Jarre
  • Kenny G
  • Vangelis
  • Barbra Streisand
  • Bette Midler
  • Boston
  • Cat Stevens
  • Enya
  • James Brown
  • Meat Loaf
  • Sade
  • Shakira
  • Eric Clapton
  • Turboneger
  • Madrugada
  • Dance With A Stranger
..Hmm..I might need more elevators

24 comments:

Cathy said...

Hey, Wilhelm, I think you mistook 1 million with 1 billion, 'cause you cloned the Clapton dude...........4 times :)

Wilhelm said...

Clappo deserves special billing, seeing as how he's the most overrated guitar player in the history of the galaxy

Cathy said...

LOL

Anders said...

Are you saying that if you had an unlimited budget, you would book Eric Clapton to play at your house at regular intervals? Weird. I'd always thought that you would prefer the likes of Malmsteen, Vai and Satriani to do an intimate house concert at your home, but you're obvious more of a Clapton fan then Iever had imagined...

Anders said...

Oh, and James Brown and the Stones? I recent that.

I don't know why you included Blur. Brit-pop as a whole should be on the list, what makes Blur so special?

Oh, and Alan Jackson is the new Garth Brooks. Awful!

And Dance With A Stranger overrated? They must be rated before they can be overrated, no?

And where are the schredders on your list? F.ex. Nitro (and Michael Angelo Batio)?

Wilhelm said...

Are you saying that if you had an unlimited budget, you would book Eric Clapton to play at your house at regular intervals? Weird. I'd always thought that you would prefer the likes of Malmsteen, Vai and Satriani to do an intimate house concert at your home, but you're obvious more of a Clapton fan then Iever had imagined...

With an unlimited budget, it's not beyond the realm of possibility that I also own some other concert venues, no?

Well played anyway, ya bastid'

Wilhelm said...

Oh, and James Brown and the Stones? I recent that.

You must live in that parallel universe where the two mentioned artists don't suck then. What's the color of the sky where you're at, Chief? :-)

what makes Blur so special?

..I remembered their name

And where are the schredders on your list? F.ex. Nitro (and Michael Angelo Batio)?

I figured that in order to be overrated on this scale, more people than me and the band members must've heard about them, which essentially takes out Nitro and other subpar shred acts.

Anders said...

You must live in that parallel universe where the two mentioned artists don't suck then. What's the color of the sky where you're at, Chief? :-)

That's a trick question, right? You want me to say blue, but that would make me look like an idiot, since the color is just due to light scattering, and the fact the the scattered light... Or wait, you were sarcastic, right?

Honestly, I would say that both the quality of these artist output haven't been consistently high. But they both do have some great tunes in there. Say it loud!

I figured that in order to be overrated on this scale, more people than me and the band members must've heard about them, which essentially takes out Nitro and other subpar shred acts.

No, no, Mikey-boy is quite famouse. He even has a lesson in the guitar mag I bought this weekend.

Wilhelm said...

..dude; I'm really curious to see where you're goin' with the scattering thing there, chief.....

Anders said...

..dude; I'm really curious to see where you're goin' with the scattering thing there, chief.....

LOL.
That was the most interesting part of my last post, was it?

Wilhelm said...

...I'm calling you out on the phenomenon of light scattering and how that pertains to the colors we observe on the sky, yes....

Anders said...

I could explain it, but it involves small particles and light, so I think it's a bit out of your league to comprehend. Difficult things, those small particles.

Wilhelm said...

Particles, you say...interesting...

So you're saying that scattering from particles in the atmosphere causes us to observe different colors?

Anders said...

So you're saying that scattering from particles in the atmosphere causes us to observe different colors?

No, eating certain mushrooms causes us to see the sky in different colors, especially purple. And may even spiral into attempts to kiss the sky.
;-)

Hey, I'm just fishing for a certain question, for which I have a real snappy comeback. But you just won't bite. Bastard.

'Cause I'm not going into a light scattering knowledge shoot-out with you here on the blog. That's fer sure.

Wilhelm said...

.....cue the crickets while Anders does the copy&paste thing from Wikipedia

Wilhelm said...

Dude; I'm curious now - what quesion were you hoping to get so you could launch into what snappy comeback?

Anders said...

What part of my comment was from Wiki? I know better then that...

Anders said...

It won't be very snappy now, would it? I'm still keeping that one for a later occasion (like your "you want some cheese with that whine" comment).

Wilhelm said...

What part of my comment was from Wiki? I know better then that...

Epic misfiring of comment due to bad timing on my part

Wilhelm said...

..but you have to remember that my Cheese/Whine comeback took at least two trial runs before I got it right......

Anders said...

..but you have to remember that my Cheese/Whine comeback took at least two trial runs before I got it right......

I consider this thread strike one for me, then. :-D

Anders said...

So, how 'bout that Clapton, hu?

Wilhelm said...

..so what about his old, pasty, bespectacled, cracker ass?

Anders said...

He's having a concert in Bergen the 6th of August. Have you booked your tickets yet? I've heard the opening is two huge elevator doors sliding aside, and out comes Mr. Clapton himself.