In Dagens Næringsliv's Friday magazine, D2, it was a feature on how one can pay for gettin' ye olde genes analyzed and get the breakdown for whether or not you or your family is predisposed for a number of illnesses, but also whether or not you're predisposed for lower back pain or if your kid's got good odds of having perfect pitch. The price tag for getting a readout - probably not even laminated - stating that your son has a 7.5% chance of having above average (non-verbal) intelligence lies somewhere between 5 and 20 kNOK, with the possibility of add-ons. Basically, you can have your entire life laid out in the form of probability profiles for various ailments, provided you're willing to shell out.
The first thing I thought of was the old saying "A fool and his money are soon parted". Being that this is a commercial product, you might envision that you've got certain rights as a customer, but how is it possible to perform any kind of quality control on the services performed here? In other words; how can you prove that the product is a dud? If you get a print-out stating that you've got a 25% chance of getting the bubonic plague, it still means that the odds of said event not occurring is 75%. If, at age 98 you've not contracted the bubonic plague, what are you going to do? Complain? If you turn it around and you get a profile stating that you've got a 17% chance of getting arthritis - what possible useful information can you get out of that? You can't complain if you don't get arthritis, and if you do get afflicted with said illness there's hardly any cause for celebration.
That's a nice trick, working with probability spaces like that. There's no money-back guarantee and in principle, all these companies need to perform their services, apart for some nerds in rented labcoats holding Erlenmeyer flasks in front of a centrifure poring over some readout for the commercials, all they need is a web site, a banking account and a computer with Excel.
I could do that. As a matter of fact; if you're reading this and you're thinking about ordering an analysis to tell you whether your daughter has the genetic material to be a ballerina, I can tell you that without a shadow of a doubt, I'm ten times the scientist these people are, and I can provide the same services at much lower rates. I can also sell you some pills in a Ziplock bag which not only have a 0.07 probability of strengthening your immune system, but which also increases the size of your penis and whitens your teeth while you sleep. Feel free to contact me for ordering and shipping information. Our product range has just been expanded to include our new Invisible Robot, which will show up in your neighborhood shortly after your check has cleared. You'll be informed of the robot's arrival through coded messages from your TV. If Larry King wears suspenders the day after your payment, it means that you can start scouring your neighborhood for the robot.
The second thing that came to mind was that these companies must in some way be affiliated with the people who provide cryogenic storage facilities to freeze and store people until the cure for whatever ails them is discovered. The potential buyers must be the older generation of the analysis-purchasers. If I was only marginally more cynical than what's presently the case, I'd go into the cryogenic bidness myself. I'd rent some high-tech looking building with one souped-up freezer with a status screen and a baseline-elevated thermometer and a close proximity to a forest or some other free-range uninhabited area. Then I'd start a landscaping company - Pendejo Lawnmowing and Landscaping - a subdivision of Fencejumper.Inc, and wait for some guy to roll into my "cryogenic lab" - say "Nanocrygenics - a subdivision of Suk'R'Bait.Inc" and say something like: "Dr. Wilhelm - I'd like to give you big bags of money each and every month in exchange for you cooling my body to ~100 Kelvin and keeping me under those conditions until scientists figure out a cure for male pattern baldness. Or until scientists find a way to thaw my sub-zero ass without killing me in the process - whichever comes first." I'll smile assuringly and tell him that "Sure brah - I'll hook you up. Just sign these forms and give me your credit information, and we'll get your ass frozen in no time, Chief." while I signal for Julio from my landscaping business to fire up the tractor.
What's he gonna do? Ask for his money back?
Compared to this, many forms of alternative medicine are looking pretty good.
The first thing I thought of was the old saying "A fool and his money are soon parted". Being that this is a commercial product, you might envision that you've got certain rights as a customer, but how is it possible to perform any kind of quality control on the services performed here? In other words; how can you prove that the product is a dud? If you get a print-out stating that you've got a 25% chance of getting the bubonic plague, it still means that the odds of said event not occurring is 75%. If, at age 98 you've not contracted the bubonic plague, what are you going to do? Complain? If you turn it around and you get a profile stating that you've got a 17% chance of getting arthritis - what possible useful information can you get out of that? You can't complain if you don't get arthritis, and if you do get afflicted with said illness there's hardly any cause for celebration.
That's a nice trick, working with probability spaces like that. There's no money-back guarantee and in principle, all these companies need to perform their services, apart for some nerds in rented labcoats holding Erlenmeyer flasks in front of a centrifure poring over some readout for the commercials, all they need is a web site, a banking account and a computer with Excel.
I could do that. As a matter of fact; if you're reading this and you're thinking about ordering an analysis to tell you whether your daughter has the genetic material to be a ballerina, I can tell you that without a shadow of a doubt, I'm ten times the scientist these people are, and I can provide the same services at much lower rates. I can also sell you some pills in a Ziplock bag which not only have a 0.07 probability of strengthening your immune system, but which also increases the size of your penis and whitens your teeth while you sleep. Feel free to contact me for ordering and shipping information. Our product range has just been expanded to include our new Invisible Robot, which will show up in your neighborhood shortly after your check has cleared. You'll be informed of the robot's arrival through coded messages from your TV. If Larry King wears suspenders the day after your payment, it means that you can start scouring your neighborhood for the robot.
The second thing that came to mind was that these companies must in some way be affiliated with the people who provide cryogenic storage facilities to freeze and store people until the cure for whatever ails them is discovered. The potential buyers must be the older generation of the analysis-purchasers. If I was only marginally more cynical than what's presently the case, I'd go into the cryogenic bidness myself. I'd rent some high-tech looking building with one souped-up freezer with a status screen and a baseline-elevated thermometer and a close proximity to a forest or some other free-range uninhabited area. Then I'd start a landscaping company - Pendejo Lawnmowing and Landscaping - a subdivision of Fencejumper.Inc, and wait for some guy to roll into my "cryogenic lab" - say "Nanocrygenics - a subdivision of Suk'R'Bait.Inc" and say something like: "Dr. Wilhelm - I'd like to give you big bags of money each and every month in exchange for you cooling my body to ~100 Kelvin and keeping me under those conditions until scientists figure out a cure for male pattern baldness. Or until scientists find a way to thaw my sub-zero ass without killing me in the process - whichever comes first." I'll smile assuringly and tell him that "Sure brah - I'll hook you up. Just sign these forms and give me your credit information, and we'll get your ass frozen in no time, Chief." while I signal for Julio from my landscaping business to fire up the tractor.
What's he gonna do? Ask for his money back?
Compared to this, many forms of alternative medicine are looking pretty good.
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3 comments:
I can also sell you some pills in a Ziplock bag which not only have a 0.07 probability of strengthening your immune system, but which also increases the size of your penis and whitens your teeth while you sleep. Feel free to contact me for ordering and shipping information.
Dude I want some !!!
Our product range has just been expanded to include our new Invisible Robot, which will show up in your neighborhood shortly after your check has cleared. You'll be informed of the robot's arrival through coded messages from your TV. If Larry King wears suspenders the day after your payment, it means that you can start scouring your neighborhood for the robot.
Damn, he wore some yesterday. Fucking neighbors
increases the size of your penis and whitens your teeth while you sleep. Feel free to contact me for ordering and shipping information.
Dude I want some !!!
Why? Do you have a problem with yellow teeth, there, pigeon?
Damn, he wore some yesterday. Fucking neighbors
Yeah; that keeps happening for this product. Turns out your neighbors are hoarding invisible robots in order to sell them at a discount.
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