Guide to Group Workouts I: Midlife Crisis Edition

If you have long since passed 40 and started to work out not too long ago under the illusion that you could still become a professional bodybuilder, fitness competitor or strongman, this simple 10-step guide can help you establish your reputation as a shitkicker as well as help you maximize attention while at the gym.

Step 1.
Before you set foot in the gym, it is important to groom. For men, this means adopting one of the two following regulation hairstyles, depending on your follicular density; 1) shaved head or 2) see-thru ponytail. If you opt for hairstyle 1), you need to follow up with a fake tan and various bracelets. From option 2) follows by necessity a scruffy, unkept beard and a complexion reminiscent of a hung-over vampire, save from a trucker's tan (optional), with a celtic cross necklace as the only allowed accessory. Irrespective of hairstyle, it is adamant that you get yourself tribal armband tattoos. And remember: "Obsession" by Calvin Klein, Axe or rancid sweat work for any occasion as far as fragrances. For women: Dry, peroxide-blond, jet-black or extra-fake red hair. The blond hairstyle requires lots of spray-tan, while the latter two also work with Caspar-the Friendly Ghost complexion. Regardless of hairstyle, apply copius amounts of make-up, lather up with fragrant body lotion and be sure to use at least half a bottle of perfume. Depending on the pay level of day job (hairdresser, cashier, waitress or kindergarten employee), get one of the following regulation tattoos: Shoulder blade dolphin, heart or "authentic" chinese characters, or tramp stamp and accessories: navel piercing or implants.

Step 2:
Before you can arrange for yourself and at least two of your comrades-in-arms to arrive at the gym, you need to assemble the season-independent workout attire. For men, this means one of two acceptable looks: 1) Ca. 1976 Muscle Beach transplant, or 2) Badass biker wannabe. In either case, make sure that the tank top or XS Li'l Boys' tee is extra snug to show off that upper body, and that you're wearing extra baggy work/workout pants to hide those scrawny, never-exercised legs ('cause you've got bad knees and/or a bad back which prevents you from squats and leg presses...plus you've read that those exercises might hurt the knees or back and they're damn hard). The only allowed exception to this rule is if you belong to the subclass known as "Brightly colored bicycle shorts and tank top delusionites". As far as colors and design, you can never go wrong with camouflage-patterned tank tops, Ed Hardy tees, GASP wear or something featuring the Harley Davidson logo. For women, it can apparently not be tight, ill-fitting and small enough as far as workout attire. Preferably with an exposed belly button, irrespective of fitness level. Make sure that you've got a car that matches your look. For men, this means either a chopper or a truck (season-dependent) for the badass biker wannabe, or some type of horse-power abundant sports vehicle (alternatively a Hummer). For women, either a small black, red or pink sports car or a token BMW SUV.

Step 3.
You're now ready to assemble your crew and get to the gym. Remember: You've got to roll at least deuce deep - preferably three - so if you arrive before the pack is all there, hang out at the counter, talking loudly to the gym staff or in your cell phone. Make sure that the ringtone on your cell phone doesn't betray your physiological age, but rather something from the present top 40, alternatively gangsta' rap (for men only). As you enter the workout area, make sure to carry at least four invisible suitcases.

Step 4.
Did you remember to train, say your prayers and take your vitamins this morning? For the affluent middle-aged male, some hgh and ~600 mg/week of deca and test. For women: Clenbuterol.

Step 5.
Carry a workout bag (GASP) large enough to hold two weeks worth of clothing and shoes. Stock said workout bag with workout gloves, and belt, wraps for every joint on the body, water bottle, at least one shaker bottle containing protein powder for post-workout consumption, towel, amino acid and creatine tablets, little pink tablets, and Icy Hot.

Step 6.
As your crew gets ready to get swole, make sure to occupy approximately 47% of the gym area, including as many benches, dumbbells and machines you can get your hands on in order to mark your territory and make people understand that something big is gonna go down. Get really annoyed if people are trying to cramp your space.

Step 7.
Talk loudly amongst yourselves and shout in order to psyche up/garner attention for the monumental feats of brute force and athleticism to follow. If you can throw some punches in the air in the general direction of your invisible enemies and the mirror, it's a plus. Make sure to start the punch from your shoulder, dropping your guard and sticking your chin out as you menacingly deliver the knockout haymaker to your transparent nemesis. Wonder why that douchebag working out next to you is looking at you with a smirk.

Step 8.
Use 75% heavier weights than your one-rep max for every given exercise and loudly proclaim that you're "Gonna get 10 or 12". At this point, workout partners need to launch a barrage of motivational clichés including "Let's get SERIOUS", "Time to play the GAME", "LIGHT WEIGHT" and "Squeeeeeeze it!". Use full-body movements to complete the reps, no matter the intended muscle group or exercise. As the lifter completes his or her set, and consequently as the spotter completes a set of another exercise (i.e.; spotter does bent-over rows for most of the weight for bench press), make sure to give an "ALL YOU" shout of enthusiasm.

step 9
As you drop the weights to the floor/starting position thus generating maximum noise and resulting attention, walk angrily away from the equipment, shouting that it was easy, and that you could've at least done two more reps. Sometimes the acoustics make it difficult to reach absolutely every corner of the gym, but give it a try anyways. remember; how are people gonna know that you're buff and swole if you don't inform them of this fact? Flex biceps and chest in the mirror (irrespective of muscle groups worked that day). If you're working out with a woman in your crew, loudly remark how you're warming up with heavier weights than her maximum effort. If you're a woman hanging in this crew, it is customary to remark how the males use more weights to warm up with than your maximum effort. Exclaim your intent to use even more weight for the next set. Damn; that motherf*cker with the NC State hat working out next to you is looking at you and shaking his head again.

Step 10.
Smear Icy Hot on all your aching joints and hobble out of the gym while sipping a protein shake and hi-fiving.

Mexican flu vaccine reality check

Yes - I much prefer the American name for the new flu.

As the vaccines are becoming available for the general population, there's still a lot of debate within the population about whether or not to actually get vaccinated. A pro and con list meant to guide you to a decision can be found at VG.no.

Below said list you can also read what a fine selection of the populus feels about the vaccine. A staggering number of people argue against vaccination due to the possibility of side-effects, e.g. from the mercury-species it contains. Sure - all the other vaccines we take also contain the same species, but that's somewhat overlooked.

The irony is that among the naysayers who whine about possible side-effects you'll find - statistically speaking - a significant number of smokers, as well as people who regularly drink moonshine or have tried recreational drugs like X, both of which have at best sketchy quality assurance protocols.

So; if you don't want to take the vaccine due to the possibility of unknown side-effects yet smoke regularly or have tried moonshine or home-made recreational drugs at some point in your life: know your role, shut your mouth and get your ass to the back of the bus.

A lesson in sucktitude

Two days ago, we got an email from the Department Head strongly encouraging us to register for a two-lecture deal on ergonomics and stress management. The first lecture - ergonomics at computer workstations, took place yesterday, scheduled for 90 minutes.

Two minutes after I entered the lecture hall is when I started sensing that something was wrong. First of all, I was the only academic staff member from the department present. The Department Head, although present in the very same building, was nowhere to be seen. When the lecture started, I really sensed some serious suctual overtones happening. The physiotherapist in charge started by stating that she was very happy to have the opportunity to give this lecture in English, seeing as how she really needed the practice.

No freakin' kiddin'

She then went on to say that this course was really supposed to have happened earlier, but she was on sick leave due to - you guessed it - back problems and repetitive stress injuries to her shoulders and wrist. Despite her claim of having 20 years of experience as a physiotherapist, she also needed a cheat sheet to give the definition of physiotherapy. So right off the bat this was like taking "how to win friends and influence people" lessons from the two douchebags currently incarcerated in Kongo. Or taking ethics lessons from Sudbø.

In what appeared to be four months but which turned out to be only 95 minutes we then were equipped with shocking new revelations such as "Adjust your chair to a position that's right for you", "take frequent breaks to avoid repetitive strain", "don't have reflections from lighting coming off of your computer screen" and so on.

The maximum sucktitude was saved for last, however, when the physiotherapist had all the participants partake in an impromptu (for us at least) aerobic exercise session to the elevator and supermarket classic "Vem Vet" by the introspective Swedish diary-reciter Lisa Ekdahl. Following this, the instructor even had the nerve to plug her upcoming set of recommended exercises accompanied by a CD comprised of her own selection of what she referred to as "modern music".

That's a cool 95 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

..the drugs don't work some more

This VG article, that I wrote about in a post yesterday, is a veritable treasure trove of delusions, bone-headed statements and factual errors. Clearly the previous post did not milk the material for all that it's worth - hence the follow-up. Here, I'll present some translated passages from the "article", with some commentary. I'm thinking that the "journalist" who wrote this piece does not have any journalism awards in his future:

"The humidity in the gym is almost inhuman, and the sweat is flowing from the large man. Here, there are no women, TV screens or treadmills. It's all about men, muscle and testosterone. They're pumping iron. Powerful upper arms are being worked to grow even larger and more bulging."

First of all, this reeks of heavy-duty bromance on the part of the "journalist". Second, it reads suspiciously similar to what has been written about Metroflex Gym in Texas, where former Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman used to work out. Almost verbatim, as a matter of fact... And how many clichés can you fit into one paragraph?

"One of the big guys is Tom from Oslo. He is 40 years old and works in the IT business."

First of all, unless someone screwed up and pulled a switcheroo on the photos in the articles, in what universe would "Tom" be considered to be a big guy? And second of all; a creepy-looking 40-year old IT loser from Norway who loiters around in Pattaya? Imagine my surprise. The only thing that would be more stereotypical was if he was anonymous and his face wasn't shown.....wait...never mind.

"'Thailand is one of the easiest countries to score anabolic steroids in - it's just as available as in Mexico', says Tom, who wishes to be anonymous. 'In Norway, the gyms are very strict. If you take steroids, you need to go to special gyms that are not part of a corporate chain, but even there you need to be careful', he says."

So people who take steroids are not found in corporate gym chains such as S.A.T.S? That doesn't really fit with what's usually written - coincidentally also with testimonies from anonymous douchebags who'd never have been suspected of drug use. So when people from, say, 24 Hour Fitness in Oslo compete in national bodybuilding competitions, they must be natural, right? 24 Hour Fitness being the mother of all international corporate gyms and all? It doesn't really fit with my experience from Norwegian gyms either - I've heard people talk about steroid cycles in pretty much all the gyms I've been to. And coincidentally I've never even heard of anyone who was tested or suspended from a gym due to drug use. Then again, I'm sure "Tom" knows what he's talking about. After all, he looks like the second coming of Arnold......

"Tom has been to Thailand several times"

I bet he has. I also wouldn't be surprised if "Tom" is the proud owner of an unmarked, windowless white van.

"Pattaya is a perfect place to work out. During the day, it's not much else to do. The gyms are good. They've got heavy weights, and the gyms are built for those who wish to work out hard and seriously."

There is not much else to do? There are no beaches, sights, excursions, that sort of thing in Thailand? Wow. Really a man of the world, "Tom". Regarding the gyms, the heavy weights and how it's tailored to serious lifters - again the photographic evidence sort of contradicts the story. Unless, that is, someone swapped the images, and a story about some poor shirtless guy currently trying to work his way back to health following a traffic accident now features pictures of a bodybuilder. Assuming the reekazoid in the photos really is "Tom" though, either this guy is more delusional than the combined delusion of all the flunkees from the first round of any talent show like "Idol", or the photographer only shot images of "Tom" warming up very lightly. From the accompanying photos, "Tom" wouldn't be able to roll heavy weights across the floor. More than 3/4 of males who actively lift weights have some form of body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). However, the most common variety is to feel a lot smaller than the rest of the world perceives you to be. "Tom" on the other hand, clearly falls in the other category, where he looks in the mirror and sees something akin to a late 90's Kevin Levrone. What's perhaps most interesting here, is that Tom's BDD appears to have carried over to the "journalist", who also harbors the delusion that Tom looks like a steroid-using bodybuilder.

"As is typical for bodybuilders, Tom's got wide shoulders, enormous upper arms and a narrow waist. He has been bodybuilding since he was 22 years old."

Again, photographic evidence contradicts the statements made here. And if this is the results of 18 years of hard, consistent training with 'roids, then "Tom" sure got the fuzzy end of the lollipop in the genetic department.

"I could watch myself grow as I built muscles. It gave me a rush, and I like to stay in shape says "Tom", who does not have a family."

..so "Tom" is single....imagine my surprise. An anonymous 40 year old single creepy-looking Norwegian IT nerd with a drug habit and delusions of adequacy who spends a lot of time and money in Pattaya. I can't understand why he's not fighting off women with a pointy stick.

"When Tom works out with dumbbells, he can easily do eight repetitions with each arm."

Nope - that's not a misprint. While I'm trying my best to be impressed that "Tom" can muster sufficient coordination to perform a non-descript movement eight times with each arm - easily, the level of impressiveness is somewhat dependent on how much resistance "Tom" is using, of which no mention is made. Now; I'm not at all blaming this on "Tom" - I put the blame for this squarely on the "journalist", who ought to go back to writing "For a good time call ..." on bathroom stalls.

"Tom started to experiment with steroids at an early age. ... Now he has to use doping (steroids) to maintain his body. 'At home I'm smaller because I don't use steroids that often, but here in Thailand I can build myself up again', "Tom" says."

He has to use drugs to maintain THAT, and he gets smaller when he returns to Norway because there he doesnt use 'roids that often? Dude; you're totally being ripped off - whatever you're taking isn't working. Or if you're getting legit stuff, you should see your GP in Norway, where odds are good that you can get a script for testosterone to get your levels up from that of a nine-year old girl. If the latter is the case, odds are you've got the worst genetics on the planet. 18 years and lots of roids and THAT's the result? Congratulations.

"He claims that he has not gotten any side effects from the steroids since he only uses large amounts when he is in Pattaya. When he's there, on the other hand, he uses both syringes and capsules, dianabol and andriol."

No kiddin' about the lack of side effects. Sugar pills and brine hardly give any side effects commonly associated with AAS. Which by the way also goes a long way towards explaining the complete lack of results, considering that this reekazoid claims to use large quantities when in Thailand.

By the way, from a writing point of view, the "pair" thing only works if the two pairs are correlated - "syringes and capsules, dianabol and andriol". While it's true that andriol - or testosterone undecanoate - comes in gel capsules, dianabol is most often taken orally and usually comes in the form of tablets - pink ones, even. So; barring "journalistic creative license" (a failed one at that), "Tom" also uses more heavy-duty injectable steroids. Maybe that's the problem right there: Yo "Tom": Not all pink tablets are d-bol.

..the drugs don't work

...according to VG, Thailand is an eldorado for bodybuilders, as represented by "Tom", a self-admitted steroid user from Oslo who travels to Thailand every year in order to stock up on gear. According to the "article" - "Tom" has wide shoulders and enormous upper arms.

So; hypothetically speaking...if you're gonna write an article about drugs and bodybuilding, wouldn't it be a good idea to find some "model" and interview subject who, I don't know, at least looks like he works out? Nobody would suspect this loser of steroid use. As a matter of fact, he should lawyer up, take a bunch of shots (pardon the pun) and use the photographic evidence to get his money back. If he's honest about having purchased gear, he obviously was sold sugar sugar pills and brine/oil suspensions.

Talk about delusions of grandeur..Methinks "Tom" might very well be in Thailand for purposes of "injection", but that the "injections" in questions have nothing to do with Deca, Winny or Test.

Hahhaahahahhaaaaa...EPIC fail

..and now a word from Michael Jackson's trainer

Michael Jackson's trainer, one Lou Ferrigno, claims that Jackson was in fantastic shape prior to his death, according to abcnews.com. I see that the story has also been picked up by VG nett.

Lou Ferrigno...that name might sound familiar. In case you can't figure out exactly who he is, allow me to provide an approximately chronological resume for Mr. Ferrigno while you read the abcnews.com story (yes; it is relevant for the connection to Michael Jackson). His first bout with fame came through professional bodybuilding back in the mid 70's, where he was known as a true mass monster, going one-on-one with such notables as Ken Waller, Serge Nubret and some guy who went on to aquire a modicum of fame - Arnold Schwarzenegger. Notably, Ferrigno went up against Arnold in the 1975 Mr. Olympia - the Superbowl of pro bodybuilding - and got his ass handed to him. In case you're interested, this has been immortalized in the cult movie "Pumping iron", where Arnold displays the most impressive psych-out I have ever seen.

Losing to Arnold in his prime is no shame, and it just so happens that Ferrigno could've been the next big thing in pro bodybuilding. Ferrigno also tried his hand at the "World's Strongest man" competitions, but never reached the top echelons. He even had a stint in the Canadian Football League (League Futebole de Mexico Norte, or CFL for short) as a defensive lineman for some Toronto team whose name escapes me, but it didn't last very long. However, the moderate success of "Pumping Iron" lead to Hollywood giving him a call, and in perhaps the smartest move of his career, Ferrigno parlayed his physique and 15 minutes of fame into the role as "The Incredible Hulk" opposite Bill Bixby. Just to clarify; Bixby portrayed the mild-mannered scientist Dr. Bruce Banner, whereas Ferrigno took care of all the green scenes. Following the cancellation of "The Incredible Hulk", Ferrigno landed some lead roles in B-action flicks such as "Hercules" and "Cage" (plus all the sequels), where it became painfully obvious that he maxed out his acting skills by screaming and flexing with his clothes all torn up and with green paint on his body.

When in doubt, return to the well, and so Ferrigno's pro bodybuilding career was resuscitated through the short-lived World Bodybuilding Federation -a pet project of one Vincent Kennedy McMahon, evil billionaire and supreme ruler of pro wrestling. Back in his element, Ferrigno was doing really well for himself. Until Vinnie Mac and then WWF got in trouble with the FDA for *gasp* suspicions of steroid abuse in pro wrestling. Even Hulk Hogan himself was forced to admit that he'd been on gear, and all of a sudden Titan Sports (WWF's parent company) was under severe scrutiny. As a consequence, the WBF actually instituted stringent drug testing of all their athletes. At the athletes' meeting where McMahon informed the bodybuilders of this fact, Ferrigno allegedly exclaimed "F*ck this; this is bullshit", and immediately left. He didn't go very far. The rival bodybuilding federation IFBB - where he used to compete back in the 70's - welcomed him back with open arms. Seeing as how Mr. Ferrigno now was in his 40's and he was significantly bigger and better defined than he was in his 20's, some naysayers claimed he must've injected a whole semetary's worth of human growth hormone for his appearance at the 1992 (I think) Master's Olympia. Those people claiming that pro bodybuilders re on steroids are probably just jealous - unlike the WBF, IFBB didn't actually test any of their athletes, but Mr. Ferrigno has since stated that he was clean for that competition, and what possible reason would he have to lie?

Following his second pro bodybuilding run, Ferrigno stayed away from the public spotlight for quite some time. Again, some jealous haterade-drinkers might have said that this absence from the spotlight was involuntary, but I'm sure Mr. Ferrigno just needed some time to replenish his creative energy. After all, when he reappeared, he did so in a spectacular fashion worthy of his A-level celebrity status - he appeared briefly on "Dancing With The Stars". That's not to say that Mr. Ferrigno sat on his hands for the better part of a decade -far from it. In bodybuilding circles (and ironically also among sci-fi fans), he's known as Mr. $20 due to his propensity for showing up at bodybuilding shows and expos (as well as sci-fi conventions) to capitalize on his "The Incredible Hulk" status and his former bodybuilding glory. Mr. Ferrigno will charge any and all $20 for a photo - even if someone has just paid for his autographed photo, a t-shirt and a DVD. If you want your picture taken with him, fork over the $20. In fact, he's even known for walking up to people who took crowd shots at expos and demanding his $20 if he suspects that he was in the shot.

Oh well - I'll conclude this short bio of the life and times of Lou Ferrigno by mentioning that he presently has a recurring cameo in "King of Queens".

So; have you read the abcnews.com story yet or what? Jeesh - how long can it take? That's ok though - read the abcnews.com story and get back to me. I'll wait.

Alrighty then; now that we're on the same page, you might have noted some weird statements from Mr. Ferrigno in that piece. Like "He might have been a little thin because he was under a lot of stress training for the tour, but when I put him through the routine and verything, I mean, he was just fine." So; in the professional opinion of one personal trainer, Jackson, being 5'10" (~180 cm) and weighing about 50 kilo, was fine? On the topic of Jackson's strict diet, he goes on to say "I think he was a vegetarian. And he only ate once a day. But I just told him the proper supplements to take" So lemme' get this straight since it's been a while since I've PT'd: Ferrigno, his personal trainer, for whom one would assume that knowing his client's diet would be of some priority - thinks his client is a vegetarian and that he only eats once a day? Considering that Ferrigno was the one suggesting what supplements to take (where again those haterade-guzzlers mentioned above might think that a former pro bodybuilder assigned to get an aging celebrity in shape for a crucial concert tour might suggest that said supplements don't come over the counter, and that some poor assistant had to make several trips to the mexican pharmacy), this is pretty bad.

Way to be a personal trainer, Lou.

Social Intelligence Fail

Unbelievable. Today in the cantina I witnessed an early 20's dude make a big production out of 1) buying a carton of milk, 2) pouring it into a shaker already containing protein powder, 3) shaking it vigorously while still in immediate proximity of the counter, and 4) starting to imbibe the protein shake whilst walking, invisible suitcases in hand, towards a vacant seat accompanied by his buddies.

Now, fixin' yourself a protein shake in a crowded room and even trying to get attention for it is a great way to becoming a social pariah, save for amongst your three or four fellow short bus-riding compadres - irrespective of whether or not you look like your body requires extra-dietary protein. So; you might ask yourself - did he at least look the part? Was he the second coming of Kevin Levrone or Yates himself?


....the answer to that depends on whether or not you find the guy from the "Mr. Muscle" ads to be a monster.

Weight reduction: basic science fail

Recently, there's been a debate over at forskning.no regarding whether overweight is best dealt with by activity or diet, and which factor has the largest impact. This debate has also raged on in various fitness and nutrition magazines for as long as I have paid attention (and longer), and is important mostly because magazines can't sell ads if the rest of the magazine is empty. The differing points of view can be exemplified by the following feature articles - one from the diet-matters-most camp, respresented by Pål Tangen Jåbekk, and one from the activity rules camp, represented by Eivind Aadland. The former feature article by Jåbekk is perhaps the most entertaining. While the piece is quite rambling and incoherent (including the brilliant statement "Like the rest of the population, the "scientists" have also fallen into the trap" (of believing that there is a correlation between working out and losing weight)), the conclusions are very interesting:

"Vi har blitt lurt til å tro at vi kan redusere energiinntaket vårt uten at det påvirker energiforbruket, og tilsvarende at vi kan øke energiforbruket uten at energiinntaket også øker. Dette forutsetter som sagt at energiforbruk og energiinntak er det man kaller uavhengige faktorer. Det er de ikke. Basta.

Om du legger på deg eller ikke, blir ikke styrt av hvor mye du spiser, men hva du spiser. Om trening gjør oss tynnere, så er det ikke fordi vi forbrenner mer energi når vi trener.

Så til alle dere som står krokbøyd over stepmaskiner rundt i det ganske land og teller kalorier; dere har blitt lurt. Det har ingenting å si hvor mye du forbrenner. Det er ganske enkelt ikke sånn kroppen virker."

Loosely translated: "We have been duped into believing that we can reduce our energy intake without it affecting the energy expenditure, and correspondingly that we can increase the energy expenditure without a concomitant increase in energy intake. This presumes that energy intake and energy expenditure are independent factors, which they are not. Whether or not you gain weight is not controlled by how much you eat, but rather what you eat. If working out makes us thinner, it is not because we expend more energy when we work out."

I don't know about you all, but upon reading this, I got a flashback to one of my favorite Simpsons episodes, wherein Homer walks in on Lisa, points to her (functioning) perpetuum mobile and exclaims: "LISA!! In this house we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!"

While I don't claim to have the be-all end-all answers to the question of whether dietary or activity-related factors are weighted higher (to the extent one can claim one ratio of variables to be true for the entire population or even for large population segments), what I DO know is that there are two extremely important aspects which are overlooked in this sample debate (although mostly by Jåbekk as exemplified by his conclusions above):

1: The human body obeys the Laws of Thermodynamics
There is a relationship between the energy input (i.e. caloric intake), the energy expenditure (i.e. calories consumed) and the variable body mass. If you keep the activity level constant and vary the caloric intake above or below the maintenance threshold (number of calories required to maintain your current body mass and composition under your present activity level), you increase or reduce your bodyweight, respectively. Unless you drastically change the nutritional composition of your diet simultaneously, that is. So making blanket statements about how it does not matter how much you eat but what betrays a fundamental lack of basic thermodynamics. And while there is no doubt that factors such as glycemic index and p/f/c ratios significantly affect the metabolic rates etc., you can't escape the basic truth that of you take in less energy than your maintenance threshold, you'll create a negative caloric balance, which over time leads to weight loss.

Beside the co-dependence of these variables pointed out by Jåbekk, there's this thing called free will. According to Jåbekk's conclusions, increasing your activity level leads to an increased caloric intake. What I suggest is the following experiment to test Jåbekk's hypothesis: Tomorrow, write down exactly what and how much you eat. The day after tomorrow, eat precisely the same amount of the same food at the same time, but increase your activity level - say by running up and down a flight of stairs instaed of just ascending or descending every time you have to traverse floors. If Jåbekk is correct, you'll wake up in the middle of the night with a mouthful of food exactly big enough to compensate for the extra activity, without knowing how you got there and with no chance of controlling your eating. In the likely event that you don't experience involuntary feeding following this experiment, the conclusion must be that Jåbekk is full of it.

Not only do Jåbekk's conclusions negate the possibility of free will, but it also makes it impossible for a person to be anorexic, for example. Wow - that was easy. I wonder if he does requests?

2: Body composition is more important than body mass
Why is it that the success of a diet and exercise plan is measured by the change in body mass? There are plenty of athletes who weigh approximately the same - or more - as Michael Moore at the same height, so why am I stuck with the sneaking suspicion that Moore is not as healthy as the body mass index would suggest? And what about the fact that muscle weighs more than fat, so if you start to exercise, you'll build more muscle mass, the added weight of which will offset the concomitant fat loss?

Gotta love soft sciences

Damn New Years Resolutioners

They're clogging up the gym in their brand new (or at least never worn beyond the realms of the couch) workout attires and box fresh Otomix sneakers. Hapless disciples of personal trainers who promise training programs "tailor made for each individual", yet for some reason all the new trainees end up doing the same number of reps and sets with the same exercises in the same sequence. Quite the coincidence. Hordes of gawking individuals drawn to the perceived know-how of the PT's like Japanese charter tourists to orange flags. Protein powder and magic mineral potions move off the gym shelves like Battlestar Galactica T-shirts at a loser convention.

And despite the new workout-gear, the "personalized" training programs, some PT with a weekend's worth of education chanting slogans of encouragement and continued purchase of their services, six months worth of sports supplements, a full-year gym subscription and all the good intentions only the December to January transition can bring forth, come March there will be few if any left.

Predictable like the changing of the seasons.

Not to crap all over people's desire to get in shape, but most of the people who start in January and quit in March are going to repeat this process ad nauseum. What makes them think that "THIS TIME, it'll work"? "Sure; last year I worked out six days a week until January 15th, and tore five different muscles, but THIS YEAR, I'm going to stay at it."

Is it the "new training program, backed by HARD SCIENCE"? Is it the fact that the gym they just joined is staffed by the most gosh-darned positive and experienced staff? I'm really curious.

One thing remains constant though; the stereotypes regarding gymgoers. Today when we rolled into the gym, it was absolutely crowded with noobs doing every conceivable exercise not requiring any actual effort as well as the usual suspects. The room was packed. With one exception - the squat rack. Since we joined this gym, I've seen two individuals besides myself do an actual leg workout - a couple in what appears to be their late thirties. The gym warriors stick with leg extensions and leg curls. Sure; they do 47 sets for biceps and 64 sets for chest, but they've probably got some knee problems or sumthin' which precludes actual leg exercise. The more stereotypical the male gym badass, the more likely it is that he's wearing a tank top, sportin' barb-wire or tribal tattoos, rockin' a necklace and some type of bracelet, and really baggy pants disguising a pair of legs the mass and density of which most closely resemble something last seen sticking out from a nest.

That's what I've been sayin' for a LONG time now

BMI is crap for evaluating the individual. Welcome to my world.

Btw; notice if you will the brutal math VG unleashes in order to provide the means to calculate Body Mass Index. Epic fundamental arithmetic proficiency.

NTNU sponsors Tour De france?

For the life of me I can't figure out why the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) would want to sponsor Tour De france. This is actually the first time I've seen a Norwegian institution of higher learning sponsor a sporting event, but then again I don't catch much in the way of sports, so that could be my mistake. But why in the blue hell would NTNU sponsor Tour De france? First of all, couldn't NTNU find some sport which wasn't QUITE that drug-ridden? I mean; last year they were seriously talking about shutting down TDf and ending the entire thing because they had so many doping scandals they had a hard time finding a scrawny bicycle rider without a syringe sticking out of his butt. Sponsoring this is an image a university is happy with? Couldn't they find a sport with less drug use, like bodybuilding, shot put or ice hockey? Or find a Chinese women's swim team to sponsor? Unless the medical faculty at NTNU is looking at this sponsor deal as keeping close tabs on their research subjects, that is.

The other thing is that I can't see the upside for NTNU. None of the Norwegian universities have premium financial situations at the moment, so what was the underlying thought process for sponsoring these walking pharmacies? Surely they can't be naive enough to think that this will boost recruitment? That this will be a good way to scoop the most talented students? Because the correlation between strong athleticism and scholastic achievements is typically not positive. Bjørn Dæhlie may be the best cross country skier in the history, but it's also quite obvious that Dæhlie ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Not sure about the correlation between avid sports fans and IQ or scholastic potential either. Somehow I can't imagine the following conversation to ever take place:

• Dude; so - have you like made up your mind with respect to what university you're gonna be goin' to, man?
• Brah; I'm SO on the fence, dude. It's like; I just got my admission letters to the entire Ivy League, MIT is howlin' at my door, ditto Stanford and Duke. Oxford and Cambridge were basically beggin' me to join up, and I've got Max Planck on their knees. I just don't know which school to pick there, broham. This kinda' bums me out.
  
• Duuude...that's like so many choices, broski. But peep this in; I was like just checkin' out the Tour on television - you know; checkin' out their wheels to compare with the ride I'm gonna get for my next race, and I totally spied in that NTNU is sponsoring the Tour, dude. How kewl is that.
• Brah; so NTNU is sponsoring the Tour, huh? Awright; that must mean it's a much better school than Harvard and Yale combined. Let's take our 4.0 GPA's and 170+ IQ's and skidaddle over there, right budday?
• Duuuude; I'm SO there. Education rocks, man. Now let's go crush some beer cans on our foreheads, inject some deca and rub our groins against our mountain bikes for a couple of hours.
• Brah; Right on.
  

Crap piece on bodybuilding in Dagbladet

Found a piece on what used to be the Mecca of bodybuilding - Gold's Gym Venice - in Magasinet. The piece was titled "Pump Fiction". Journalist - and I'm using the word in it's broadest context - Espen A. Eik has been to Gold's Venice and interviewed some people there. In the role of "professional bodybuilder", Eik dug up Jerome Ferguson, who - surprise surprise - compares himself to Arnold, because he "has the same car as Arnold, has an apartment on Venice Beach, and has plenty of modelling jobs." Other interviewees include former pro Danny Hester, a douchebag who calls himself Maxxwell Carlisle (yes; double x in the name) and Jan Riggs, who is 62 years old but doesn't look a day older than 61.

In a story about bodybuilding, in the mecca of bodybuilding, these are the interview subjects this "journalist" came up with. Sure; one might argue that the new Mecca is now Milos Sarcev's Koloseum Gym in Fullerton, Ca, but there are still plenty big names working out in Venice. What was the argument leading to this choice? Overexposure of pros like Dennis Wolf, Jay Cutler, Chris Cormier and Bob Chicherillo in Norwegian mainstream media? Didn't think so. What's worse, most of the piece is a blurb about Pumping Iron - the semi-documentary about the 1975 Mr. Olympia starring among others Arnold Schwarzenegger. Way to use the material handy at the location for the piece there, Eik.

Still, the funniest thing in the piece - I refuse to call it an article - comes from adding the moniker "Professional Bodybuilder" to "Hollywood" Jerome Ferguson, as he likes to call himself. Dude's not a professional anything, be it in the IFBB or any other organization. Jerome Ferguson is a scrub who's trying to qualify for a pro card through the NPC, and has washed out of the Nationals many times now. Way to check your facts there, Mr. Eik - if I applied the same research to what I do professionally, I sure hope someone would notice and fire my incompetent ass.

Cool yet disappointing

Like I mentioned last month, our gym recently rolled out a "No freakin' tank tops or singlets, ya epic invisible suitcase carrying guido/airhead bimbette", for which we are totally appreciative. However; while the male population of card-carrying members of the skinny-guido-in-wifebeater club promptly knew what time it was and grudgingly donned t-shirts, albeit way too tight, they complied. The female population however, has continued unabated with their insistence upon wearing tank tops and singlets, and to my great surprise, the PTs (that's Personal Trainer for y'all not caught up in the business card-bolstering game of inventing kewl-sounding acronyms for what's essentially a job belonging to the paper-hat caste on the corporate totem pole) have walked by these scantily clad illiterate airheads without batting as much as an eyelash - volume boosted by L'Oreal products no doubt. Did this new policy only apply to the male gymgoers?

That sneaking suspicion of a double standard between genders triggered something in me, and as today the vast majority of female gymgoers was dressed in tank tops whilst being totally ignored by the residing PT, I was dead set on confronting the skinny, scarecrow-looking runt who has the audacity to presume any knowledge about weight training despite having all the lean muscle mass of a seven year old girl, and demanding an explanation for this blatant sexism. After finishing the workout.

This, by the way, is coming from a guy who has picketed against Chippendales back in the 90's.

After finishing my workout and getting off the treadmill, the epic 57-kilo clothes hanger masquerading as a PT was nowhere to be seen. Which meant I had to take it up with the girl at the front desk. I started out by complimenting them on their new policy, and then wondering why it only applied to guys. This elicited a surprised reaction, as the new policy most certainly applied to both men and women. Oh yeah - I asked - then how come there is not a single tank-top wearing dude in the gym, but most of the women in there are wearing singlets? Then she got surprised again, and assured me that she was going to take care of it - she was not in the weight room much, but it was very important that nobody were treated differently with regards to this policy, as that just wouldn't be right.

Basically my point exactly, which was way cool, and props to her (assuming something is done about it, of course).

However, in my original plan, I was hoping to confront the douchebag PT who was in charge that day, and maybe even getting a knee-jerk defensive reaction statement from him, which would have led to him either having the choice between admitting to blatant sexism, admitting to sucking at his job or alluding to the population of female gymgoers at this gym being illiterate or mentally retarded within the space of less than three arguments.

Notes on German Volume Training (GVT)

For more than six months now, I've been trying out the German Volume Training system in order to give my body a break from the straight sets and pyramiding which have constituted the mainstay of my workouts. Originally, I just wanted to try it out for like six weeks after coming off the Milos Sarcev high-intensity schedule, but I liked GVT so much that I've stayed with it.

In the very likely event that you don't have any idea what GVT is, here are the basics (consult the link for more info): GVT is also referred to as the 10x10 system, wherein you pick one main exercise for each bodypart (bodypart splits can be kept up as for a straight set program), and perform ten sets of ten reps with the same weight/resistance. The idea is that you're supposed to reach positive failure on the tenth rep of the last set, and that you're keeping the rest periods between sets short (no more than 90 seconds in an ideal world). As a general guideline, Charles Poliquin recommends starting out with 60% of your one-rep max, which for me turned out to be complete and utter fiction. 40% of my 1RM was closer to what I could get away with for 10x10, but I guess that's gonna vary quite a lot between individuals, due to differences in type I/type II muscle fibers, and blah blah blah. Whatever. As always, the principle of progressive resistance is utilized, so that the weight is increased gradually. This is mixed up with some 8x8 and even 6x6 days for variety. Each bodypart session is rounded off with two or three sets of a complementary exercise.

The knock on GVT is traditionally that you're working with relatively light weights, which apparently is a huge blow to the egos of many gymgoers. Luckily, I don't really care how much I lift as long as I'm lifting progressively heavier weight, so that has not been a problem for me. Moreover, despite the first few sets being easy to complete, the last two or three sets really need some digging down, as you're pushing your endurance. Try 10x10 barbell squats with a minimal rest period for yourself if you think this sounds wussy. A pleasant side-effect of GVT is that I've had little or no injuries since I started with this system. Straight sets were much more taxing on tendons and ligaments in my case.

This is all good and well, but seeing as how money talks and bullshit walks, I wanted to find out if my 1RM had increased much for bench press today. As I worked my way up a triplet, double and single pyramid to get to my new expected 1RM, it became quite obvious that in terms of max poundage, my strength has not increased much from these months of GVT. However, following a failed attempt at a new 1RM personal record, I was able to rep out with 15 reps of a much higher weight than I've been able to get before - even as a first working set. So; to quote the great Benny Urquidez, "the way you train is the way you react", and in my case, that has translated into improved muscular endurance and a shifted type I/type II fiber ratio. Together with some added mass, I'm sure.

Which means that I'm at a crossroad now - either I've got to work to improve my absolute strength, or keep the reps in the medium range in the search for more mass. Decisions, decisions.

Score one for the good guys

Our gym rolled out a "no tank tops or singlets" policy this week, and we're quite elated.

This was obviously a blow to the local guido community, but it was a long time coming in my humble opinion. This makes it more difficult for the "67 kilos soaking wet carrying a Jansport filled with all of Madonna's remix-cds" monsters who walk around carrying hyooge invisible suitcases to flex/strut their non-existent mass around and gather "you swole bro" comments from the lesser guidos. 'Cause that stuff was really gettin' out of hand at 3T, with set after set of pubescent douchebags rollin' at least deuce deep with their arms akimbo, fragile egos and raging hormones fueled by the buddy blowjobs and the distorted body image they observed in the mirror, like a freakin surface plasma polariton.

Better yet; t-shirts means less gross benches and machines, as these sub-70 kilo monsters never bring towels - that would cramp their style and make it difficult to bring enough protein shakes, water bottles and belts. Plus; when your arm is completely outstretched and you're a skinny runt, the weight of that towel is quite insurmountable. Moreover; no tank tops or singlets means a clear reduction in BO or cheap-ass cosmetic products like the infernal Axe-deodorants - nothin' but net as far as I'm concerned.

Now if they could only roll out a "no freakin' bicycle shorts" policy, I'd be close to ecstatic.

..welcome to my world

Lately I've had the significant misfortune of working out close to and thus overhearing some wifebeater-wearing, NBA-style shorts-sporting self-styled guru either brag about how big and swole he is to some other, slightly smaller version of himself, or explain which exercises give the biggest arms to the same schmoe. Inevitably, the slightly bigger douchebag will pull the time-tested "but right now I'm focusing on shape, because I don't want to become too big" so as to provide a pre-emptive statement to the effect of "I could've been bigger than Sonbaty ca. 1997 if I wanted to."

Then they'll see my reflection in the mirror or notice me walking by, and all of a sudden the self-appointed guru is all about how if he wanted to become much bigger he'd have to start using gear, before they swiftly pack up their pink dumbbells and move to another section of the gym where the guru can give advice to teenagers on how to become hyooge like him.

The fact that so many members at supposedly normal, family-style gyms are such freaks, is quite the eye-opener.




At least nobody ever asks me to work in or comes over to give me training advice.

Health and weight loss

You can eat whatever you want and still lose weight, is an interesting header at VG online today. Citing a study from Mandoleanklinikken at Karolinska Institutet, VG claims that you can still eat pizza, cake and what have you, as long as you limit the intake, and eat slowly and frequently. In other words, as long as you limit the caloric intake, you can eat whichever combination of nutritional sources and still potentially reduce your body mass.

Take a minute or a second to read that last sentence again. Click the link, read the story, check the background material, google the big words if ya have to - it's all right - and then come back.

If ya take in less calories than you expend, ya probably gonna lose weight - how very Simpson-esque: "LISA! In this house we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!"

So ok; having established that the laws of nature apply to the human metabolism, let's move on to what if anything this has to do with health. For some inexplicable reason, weight loss is tied closely to improved health in the minds of the people who are likely to purchase diet plans and diet products. Whenever people go on a diet, they measure their success in the loss of body mass. Assuming that the goal of accomplishing body mass is met, does this equate to improved health? In other words; does it matter what you eat, can the diet subsequently affect your body composition and in turn your health?

Not according to Professor Per Södersten from Karolinska. With the caveat of VG misquoting him, he states that it doesn't matter WHAT you eat; your body still extracts what it needs of nutrients from the available food.

Is that right, Chief.......dude should have quit while he was still ahead....and that point ended almost exactly where he stated that eating less calories than what is expended leads to weight loss. Take another minute to re-read what he said...a calorie is a calorie, etc.

...so if I decide to take in my ideal amount of calories exclusively in the form of bacon grease and beer, it won't have any ill effect on my health. Nice going.

...soldiers and sailors from the 18th century and earlier just called and said that Prof. Södersten is full of crap.....something about scurvy and a deficiency of vitamin C, despite them taking in enough calories.

Fortunately, VG also got some comments from Norwegian nutritionists who stress that you should eat healthy foods etc.

Epic douchebaggery from Prof. Södersten considering that people are gullible enough to buy into concepts like the Atkins diet, the grapefruit diet, the Hollywood diet, etc. People can get hurt by shoddy dietary advice like this.

Apparently those diplomas you can get online are more authentic-looking now.

THAT'S what it takes?

Checketh it out; according to Dagbladet, Wii Fit will be available to the Norwegian public on April 25th. But Pigeon - you probably knew that already, didn't ya? ;-)

The product is pitched as a computer game which will get you in better shape and in the process crush all stereotypes associated with computer game-playing adults. The computer game is gonna get the D&D dweebs in shape by telling them to do push-ups, jumping jacks, etc.

Seriously; how much of a spineless dolt would you have to be if you can't get your Playstation-worshipping, WoW-playing, Pringles-and-frozen pizza-eating ass to a gym or simply to go outside for a walk or something...unless the Nintendo Deity tells you to "drop and gimme' 20" or to "jump"......

Yeah; this will crush any and all myths regarding computer game-playing adults.......

Probably not yall's bag but...

In the unlikely event that you are interested in a book about the SoCal bodybuilding scene between 1968 and 1971, this here is the book for you:

West Coast Bodybuilding Scene - The Golden Era by Dick Tyler (2004).
This here book is a collection of columns and longer pieces written by Dick Tyler in what is often referred to as the golden era of bodybuilding. Awesome stories from Muscle Beach and Venice Beach, and personalities like Dave Draper, Don Howorth, Frank Zane, Larry Scott, Zabo Koszewski, Joe Gold, Chuck Sipes, Harold Poole, Art Zeller, Sergio Oliva, Eddie Giuliani, Franco Columbo, Steve Merjanian, Ed Corney, Armand Tanny, Vince Gironda, Joe Weider and that Austrian guy.....what was his name again.....Arnold Schwarzenegger. If these names and the concept of Muscle Beach mean anything to you, then you'll probably enjoy these stories. Like how future global franchises Gold's Gym and World Gym were conceived as a direct result of Muscle Beach being closed down due to some shady activities going on there.

The book is very much written in the language of that time, so there's a lot of "Jeepers Billy; I sure would like a slice of that apple pie and a soda pop". The dialogue could've been lifted from an Archie comic. I've read the book twice now, and the only thing I don't like is that Tyler writes too much from the perspective of total fanboi. Bodybuilder mogul and Tyler's boss at the time - Joe Weider - is getting an epic blowjob via this book, while anyone not into bodybuilding and physical culture is portrayed as philistines and ignorant. Moreover, there is something inherently funny about professional bodybuilders giving "don't do drugs" seminars at high schools. Of course; D-bol and other things were legal back then, they were not on anywhere near the same dosages, they were not on gear most of the year, and they apparently got legit subscriptions from doctors ("You've sure grown a lot over the last two weeks, Larry. Aw shucks Doc; I just started the new Weider routine - thanks for noticing"). But still...