Guide to Group Workouts I: Midlife Crisis Edition

If you have long since passed 40 and started to work out not too long ago under the illusion that you could still become a professional bodybuilder, fitness competitor or strongman, this simple 10-step guide can help you establish your reputation as a shitkicker as well as help you maximize attention while at the gym.

Step 1.
Before you set foot in the gym, it is important to groom. For men, this means adopting one of the two following regulation hairstyles, depending on your follicular density; 1) shaved head or 2) see-thru ponytail. If you opt for hairstyle 1), you need to follow up with a fake tan and various bracelets. From option 2) follows by necessity a scruffy, unkept beard and a complexion reminiscent of a hung-over vampire, save from a trucker's tan (optional), with a celtic cross necklace as the only allowed accessory. Irrespective of hairstyle, it is adamant that you get yourself tribal armband tattoos. And remember: "Obsession" by Calvin Klein, Axe or rancid sweat work for any occasion as far as fragrances. For women: Dry, peroxide-blond, jet-black or extra-fake red hair. The blond hairstyle requires lots of spray-tan, while the latter two also work with Caspar-the Friendly Ghost complexion. Regardless of hairstyle, apply copius amounts of make-up, lather up with fragrant body lotion and be sure to use at least half a bottle of perfume. Depending on the pay level of day job (hairdresser, cashier, waitress or kindergarten employee), get one of the following regulation tattoos: Shoulder blade dolphin, heart or "authentic" chinese characters, or tramp stamp and accessories: navel piercing or implants.

Step 2:
Before you can arrange for yourself and at least two of your comrades-in-arms to arrive at the gym, you need to assemble the season-independent workout attire. For men, this means one of two acceptable looks: 1) Ca. 1976 Muscle Beach transplant, or 2) Badass biker wannabe. In either case, make sure that the tank top or XS Li'l Boys' tee is extra snug to show off that upper body, and that you're wearing extra baggy work/workout pants to hide those scrawny, never-exercised legs ('cause you've got bad knees and/or a bad back which prevents you from squats and leg presses...plus you've read that those exercises might hurt the knees or back and they're damn hard). The only allowed exception to this rule is if you belong to the subclass known as "Brightly colored bicycle shorts and tank top delusionites". As far as colors and design, you can never go wrong with camouflage-patterned tank tops, Ed Hardy tees, GASP wear or something featuring the Harley Davidson logo. For women, it can apparently not be tight, ill-fitting and small enough as far as workout attire. Preferably with an exposed belly button, irrespective of fitness level. Make sure that you've got a car that matches your look. For men, this means either a chopper or a truck (season-dependent) for the badass biker wannabe, or some type of horse-power abundant sports vehicle (alternatively a Hummer). For women, either a small black, red or pink sports car or a token BMW SUV.

Step 3.
You're now ready to assemble your crew and get to the gym. Remember: You've got to roll at least deuce deep - preferably three - so if you arrive before the pack is all there, hang out at the counter, talking loudly to the gym staff or in your cell phone. Make sure that the ringtone on your cell phone doesn't betray your physiological age, but rather something from the present top 40, alternatively gangsta' rap (for men only). As you enter the workout area, make sure to carry at least four invisible suitcases.

Step 4.
Did you remember to train, say your prayers and take your vitamins this morning? For the affluent middle-aged male, some hgh and ~600 mg/week of deca and test. For women: Clenbuterol.

Step 5.
Carry a workout bag (GASP) large enough to hold two weeks worth of clothing and shoes. Stock said workout bag with workout gloves, and belt, wraps for every joint on the body, water bottle, at least one shaker bottle containing protein powder for post-workout consumption, towel, amino acid and creatine tablets, little pink tablets, and Icy Hot.

Step 6.
As your crew gets ready to get swole, make sure to occupy approximately 47% of the gym area, including as many benches, dumbbells and machines you can get your hands on in order to mark your territory and make people understand that something big is gonna go down. Get really annoyed if people are trying to cramp your space.

Step 7.
Talk loudly amongst yourselves and shout in order to psyche up/garner attention for the monumental feats of brute force and athleticism to follow. If you can throw some punches in the air in the general direction of your invisible enemies and the mirror, it's a plus. Make sure to start the punch from your shoulder, dropping your guard and sticking your chin out as you menacingly deliver the knockout haymaker to your transparent nemesis. Wonder why that douchebag working out next to you is looking at you with a smirk.

Step 8.
Use 75% heavier weights than your one-rep max for every given exercise and loudly proclaim that you're "Gonna get 10 or 12". At this point, workout partners need to launch a barrage of motivational clichés including "Let's get SERIOUS", "Time to play the GAME", "LIGHT WEIGHT" and "Squeeeeeeze it!". Use full-body movements to complete the reps, no matter the intended muscle group or exercise. As the lifter completes his or her set, and consequently as the spotter completes a set of another exercise (i.e.; spotter does bent-over rows for most of the weight for bench press), make sure to give an "ALL YOU" shout of enthusiasm.

step 9
As you drop the weights to the floor/starting position thus generating maximum noise and resulting attention, walk angrily away from the equipment, shouting that it was easy, and that you could've at least done two more reps. Sometimes the acoustics make it difficult to reach absolutely every corner of the gym, but give it a try anyways. remember; how are people gonna know that you're buff and swole if you don't inform them of this fact? Flex biceps and chest in the mirror (irrespective of muscle groups worked that day). If you're working out with a woman in your crew, loudly remark how you're warming up with heavier weights than her maximum effort. If you're a woman hanging in this crew, it is customary to remark how the males use more weights to warm up with than your maximum effort. Exclaim your intent to use even more weight for the next set. Damn; that motherf*cker with the NC State hat working out next to you is looking at you and shaking his head again.

Step 10.
Smear Icy Hot on all your aching joints and hobble out of the gym while sipping a protein shake and hi-fiving.

Something to consider

Soccer geishas?

Yet another tragic consequence of the financial crisis - Bergen soccer franchise Brann can no longer afford to stock the VIP boxes with professional models acting as "hostesses" to the VIPs. Read all about it in Bergensavisen or in Dagbladet. Typically, the "hostesses" have been finalists or at least contestants in Miss Norway and similar arrangements. I am sure they were hired because they are such good conversationalists in addition to being astute observers of the game.

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but "hostess" isn't the only word used to describe women who are paid in order to hang out with (predominantly) male customers.

Girl power indeed.

Olympics Tae-Kwon Do debacle

You've probably all heard about the TKD debacle wherein a Cuban TKD bronze finalist Angel Matos snapped and kicked the referee following a completely legitimate decision not in his favor. If not, the video of said incident can be found here. Two days ago, there was another piece about this incident in VG, wherein Angel Matos pretty much states that the referee deserved it.

Now; I watched this and many of the other fights, and this Cuban dude was milking what was obviously completely ficticious injuries in his ankle, knee and hip in several of his other fights as well. The scenario invariably followed something like this: Dude took some time-out for alleged injuries, got to rest a little bit, and then magically sprung into action like there were no injuries at all, despite having put on a full-on Broadway/Italian soccer/Gone with the wind fainting-from-pain scene seconds earlier. A little coolant spray doesn't change the situation from "woe is me; my knee is dislocated" to first round of a Jerome LeBanner ca. 2001 fight. Perhaps if he was mainlining speed, but we'd have seen that. So; having failed to get back into shape within the 1 minute period allowed following an alleged ankle injury, and his second having failed to ask for more injury time, the other guy gets the victory. Immediately, the Cuban Scarlett O'Hara - unable to stand up a minute earlier - leaps up and starts to go aggro on the ref. He gets no love, and so he full-on kicks the referee in the head. There are no signs of him holding anything back - hips are completely rotated, and it's a stationary target. Result; banned for life.

This was extremely unsportsmanlike of this cigar-smoking pseudo-mexican, and all of that has been covered well in the press. What I feel is lacking is the following: Here we have a world-class TKD performer. Black belt with matching shoes and bow-tie - good enough to reach the bronze finals in the olympics. He full-on kicks a completely unprepared person in the head. Said person, who had no way of knowing he was gonna get kicked and was shorter and smaller than the assailant, absorbs the full impact of the kick, resulting in a bleeding lip.

That's it? He didn't even go down for the count - just absorbed the blow and got a bleeding lip.

Now granted, even if Kyokushin and Muay Thai had been olympic sports, I wouldn't have been good enough to enter the olympics, much less reach the bronze finals. I can tell you this though; if someone at my level in Kyokushin or Muay-Thai connects with a full force kick to the head of a person - in this case even a much shorter person, who was completely unprepared - the person is gonna go down, and remain in a prone position for quite some time to come. And that's not me trying to come off as a cage-fighting Ninja internet badass - just physics.

Am I the only one who wondered about this? Marius?

Ric Flair - To Be The Man

To Be The Man by Ric Flair with Keith Elliot Greenberg is the autobiography of - you guessed it - Nature Boy Ric Flair, who became a pro wrestler in the early 70's and retired in March this year. Dude has been a pro wrestler for longer than I've been alive, which is a testament to his staying power and ability to avoid and work around injuries.

This autobiography - to the extent an autobiography can be written by someone other than the subject - is supposedly brutally honest regarding Naitch's alcohol abuse and womanizing, and to a certain extent I guess it is. He somehow tries to pawn his excessive lifestyle off as the follies of youth, despite him continuing this lifestyle up until he was approximately fifty years old, at which point he can hardly claim to pull off any form of bambi-esque naïvete of youth.

I have to admit that I never really was a fan of Flair. That being said, it was obvious even way back when that he was an excellent worker and heel, who always managed to put his opponents over and draw heat on himself. Which is cool. However, his schtick always looked like it was damn close to a 70's Liberace act mixed in with some good ol' redneckin'. Frankly, his "Four Horsemen" storyline, of which he is immensely proud, comes off as some kind of Billy Jack trailer park saga. Predictably, Flair compares himself to Hogan and comes off smelling like roses AND the better wrestler, and of course thinks it's completely unfair that Hogan is so much richer than him. What Flair sort of neglects to mention, is that while Naitch was famous for spending more money than he made on limousines, chartering jetplanes, gold Rolex watches and tailor made clothes (mostly outfits that would have made Liberace cringe), Hogan saved and invested the money he made. That might have something to do with Hogan being better off now, in addition to Hogan being the bigger draw throughout his career.....

To illustrate how out of touch Flair is with his drawing power compared to that of Hogan during the 80's, here's how he describes the difference between himself and the Hulkster:

Here's the fundamental difference between Hulk Hogan and myself: Hogan told his fans, "Train, say your prayers and take your vitamins." My motto was "Drink, party all night and love all the ladies."

The thing is though; what really made Vinnie Mac rule the world of sports entertainment in the 80's was that he transformed wrestling matches into family entertainment. The logic was quite simple; instead of catering to some curmudgeonly kooks and rednecks who cared about the "autenticity" of wrestling and maybe bought one beer during the house shows, Vinnie Mac could replace this dude by a family - which means moving t-shirts, action figures and what have you in adddition to food and drink, if wrestling was made out to be family-friendly. This entailed that the faces (good guys) had to be role models the kids could look up to without too many red flags being obvious to the parents, hence the red-and-yellow Hulkster, Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, etc. If the good guys always won at the end of the day, and the good guys appeared to be decent, it was safe to bring the family to the shows. Flair's image of hard drinking and womanizing didn't really fit. Simple as that. In the 90's the overall climate favored the bad-ass anti-hero, and so the companies changed to accomodate that. Even Hogan turned heel (bad guy) in the 90's, and remained a bigger draw than once-a-heel-always-a-heel Naitch. So much for the rose-rinted vista of hindsight, Ric.

One thing which really is consistent in all the wrestling autobiographies I've read (admittedly not that many), is that everybody hated Eric Bischoff. Pro Hogan, anti-Hogan - everybody hates Bischoff. To add fuel to the flames, this book also reveals that Eric Bischoff was heavily involved in the "Girls Gone Wild" videos and PPVs, which consisted of taping college girls who were on Spring Break or Mardi Gras and were drunk or stupid enough to flash their tits (and more) for the camera. That's the kind of guy Bischoff is.

Ok book - get it if you were into WCW story lines and characters.

The Death of WCW

The Death of WCW by R.D. Reynolds and Bryan Alvarez is the story of the rise and fall of the wrestling promotion (or franchise if you will) known in it's latter years as World Championship Wrestling (WCW). During WCW's heyday, this was THE wrestling promotion, and with complete backing from media mogul Ted Turner, they had almost unlimited access to prime time TV spots and a budget for poaching talent from other promotions, like Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Federation (now WWE). WCW had everything going for it, and for a period of time following the hiring of maverick Eric Bischoff as the booker (dude who decides storylines and which characters are to be involved), WCW rose from relative obscurity to completely outclass Vinny Mac's outfit.

And then everything went south, by which I don't mean that WCW returned to it's south-of-Mason-Dixie line roots, but rather that the company began it's steady decline until Vince McMahon himself was able to buy WCW complete with talent and storylines for a song (or at least insanely cheap).

If you've followed any pro wrestling from the 90's or so, including Sting, Goldberg, the Steiner Brothers, the heel turn of Hollywood Hulk Hogan and NWO, then you'll probably enjoy this book just for the anecdotes which are strewn liberally throughout the 300+ pages. What makes the book even more enjoyable is the sometimes very detailed descriptions (with color commentary, as befits an account of pro wrestling) of the (many) bad decisions that eventually led to the demise of WCW - past the point where even uncle Ted Turner was able to save the promotion. Examples include:

• A year or so before WCW went under, they figured out a brilliant cost-cutting strategy for reducing their immense travel budget. Instead of flying the entire roster (~160 wrestlers) to each and every house show, they only flew in the talent scheduled to actually make an appearance in the house shows (approximately a tenth of the roster). No kiddin'
• Poaching high-profile talent from other wrestling promotions, giving the newly acquired talent long-time contracts and ridiculously high salaries, only to use them in minor storylines, never giving them any push at all.
• Hiring bookers (such as Dusty Rhodes and Kevin Nash) who insisted on being headliners themselves, and booking all the story lines so that either themselves or their old pals won the titles, thus holding back new talent.
• Including a "creative control" clause in the contracts of major stars like Hogan who - surprise, surprise - didn't really want to lose and thus made it hard to follow through with long-term storylines involving title changes

In summary, it's a fun read. Epic ending of a book review.

Pourquoi - it's all teh rage

Not to be confused with Parkour

Olympic fail!

For some unknown reason, I logged into www.vg.no/ol to check out the latest results from the olympics. This was what came up:



Olympic fail!

NTNU and Tour de france some more

In an earlier post, I was complaining about how NTNU decided to use money for sponsoring the premier event of a sport more ridden with drug controversy than pro bodybuilding. Turns out many of the academic staff members and students at NTNU also criticized this sponsoring, much for the same reasons. Marketing experts also threw their hat in with NTNU faculty and called this sponsoring "throwing money out the window". This idea was deemed a bad one by faculty, students and a marketing expert.

In a not-so-surprising turn of events, NTNU Press Secretary Christian Fossen disagrees with the criticism, and labels the ad campaign an unbridled success, where NTNU got it's money's worth. Moreover, he claims to have data to back him up. I found that to be interesting, and was prepared to eat some crow and admit I was wrong as I clicked on the link to read the piece.

Turns out I was right after all, but that it's possible to put a positive spin on the situation. You see; whomever was in charge of deciding to sponsor TDf and subsequently launched the project was clever enough never to publicly advertise the desired measurables of the project. Thus, a statistically significant change in any ol' variable can be claimed as a success after the fact, because you never advertised what you were after in the first place. Simply wait for a change in the dataset and claim that's what you planned all along.

Which deliverables can be reported after the ad campaign? Something Fossen refers to as "uhjulpet kjennskap" (unassisted familiarity). I had no idea what this concept encompasses, but luckily the piece offers a definition by example: One of the questions asked by pollsters is whether the interviewee can name any Norwegian universities. If the person lists NTNU among the universities, this is checked off as "unassisted familiarity" - in other words the interviewee was familiar with the name at the time of the polling. Prior to NTNU sponsoring TDf, NTNU had an "unassisted familiarity" of 39%. In other words; only 39% of the people being interviewed could name NTNU as a Norwegian university. Pretty dysmal. Fossen offers the explanation that many of the interviewees had answered NTH, AVH or the University of Trondheim, two of which are the old names for the institutions which were merged to form NTNU. After TDf, the "unassisted familiarity" had increased to 59%. According to Fossen, this qualifies as an unbridled success, and money well spent.

The trick is lowering the bar, it appears. I can see now that in my boundless naïveté, I thought that for sponsoring to result in a success for the sponsor, said campaign would have to result in primarily increased revenue (spend money to make money), or by improving the image of the sponsor so as to increase the revenue potential. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the vast majority of the financing for a university comes from a) funding which follows each student, b) the Research Council (be it directly from NFR or via EU projects), c) collaborations with industry, and d) special financing directly from the government to launch research or teaching in targeted areas, like CO2 capture. As such, any venture intended to increase revenue should either cajole more students to join NTNU, or somehow infuse more capital from funding agencies and industry.

I fail to understand how increasing the "unassisted familiarity" from 39% to 59% helps NTNU in any significant way, shape or form. As far as I know, NTNU does not have an image problem - much less one that can be remedied by sponsoring TDf. The fact that more people in general are cognizant of NTNU being a Norwegian university than before doesn't do much for me. After all, we don't have that many universities in Norway, and I'm hardly impressed that less than 60% can name the second largest one. Just having more people know that you exist isn't exactly a guarantee that this mere fact can be translated into a revenue-generating machine. Nor does it guarantee that this inspires people to know more about said enterprise. A lot more people know that there's a large company named Haliburton now than before 2000/2001, but that doesn't mean that the majority knows what Haliburton does specifically, and it really doesn't mean that more people are interesting in sponsoring Haliburton or working for them.

Exactly how the mere fact that more people know that NTNU is a Norwegian university can aid in getting more students is also kind of a mystery to me. Last time I checked, and as I wrote in my previous post on the topic, high-school students get all kinds of information about what opportunities exist for higher education their senior year (and earlier), and they've probably been offered a tour of NTNU and other universities. If NTNU sponsoring TDf is what makes students choose that particular university, I'm inclined to think that such a particular batch of students would leave NTNU holding the bag. As for the odds of this advertising should increase funding from government and industry, that's just insulting to both NFR and industry. Is Fossen suggesting that someone high up in StatoilHydro was sitting around at their research center (located in Trondheim, btw) thinking "Damn; if only I knew of a university located not too far from here where we could procure some R&D services and sponsor future employees. Let's turn on the boob tube and see what's on - I've been wanting to check out this Tour de baguette thing or whatever the hell it's called. Hey wait; something called NTNU is sponsoring this event, and they're saying it's a university. Quick; to the StatoilHydromobile! Must.......Throw....Big Bags...of Money...at them....NOW!"

Naaah...I don't think so. Way to set the bar low. Essentially they paid a lot of money for people who are unlikely to attend or sponsor them, in return for a larger percentile of faceless strangers knowing that they existed in the first place. Self-ownage.

I discussed this briefly with a colleague earlier today, and he wasn't sure what signal NTNU was sending to it's employees by sponsoring TDf. He narrowed the possibilities down to either (i) encouraging more people to use their bicycles to commute (which is a good thing), or (ii) to encourage use of performance-enhancing chemicals and other drugs among the employees (not so good).

..I repeat my former question:

Why is NTNU indirectly sponsoring Tour De france? The rampant drug use appears to be worse than ever, considering the semi-serious attempts at improving the pharmaceutical situation from last year.

What they need to do is to go Israeli on the clubs - if a TDf rider is caught with EPO or worse, then the entire club is permanently prohibited from participating in TDf. That should provide some financial incentive to level the playing field with respect to doping.

NTNU sponsors Tour De france?

For the life of me I can't figure out why the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU) would want to sponsor Tour De france. This is actually the first time I've seen a Norwegian institution of higher learning sponsor a sporting event, but then again I don't catch much in the way of sports, so that could be my mistake. But why in the blue hell would NTNU sponsor Tour De france? First of all, couldn't NTNU find some sport which wasn't QUITE that drug-ridden? I mean; last year they were seriously talking about shutting down TDf and ending the entire thing because they had so many doping scandals they had a hard time finding a scrawny bicycle rider without a syringe sticking out of his butt. Sponsoring this is an image a university is happy with? Couldn't they find a sport with less drug use, like bodybuilding, shot put or ice hockey? Or find a Chinese women's swim team to sponsor? Unless the medical faculty at NTNU is looking at this sponsor deal as keeping close tabs on their research subjects, that is.

The other thing is that I can't see the upside for NTNU. None of the Norwegian universities have premium financial situations at the moment, so what was the underlying thought process for sponsoring these walking pharmacies? Surely they can't be naive enough to think that this will boost recruitment? That this will be a good way to scoop the most talented students? Because the correlation between strong athleticism and scholastic achievements is typically not positive. Bjørn Dæhlie may be the best cross country skier in the history, but it's also quite obvious that Dæhlie ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. Not sure about the correlation between avid sports fans and IQ or scholastic potential either. Somehow I can't imagine the following conversation to ever take place:

• Dude; so - have you like made up your mind with respect to what university you're gonna be goin' to, man?
• Brah; I'm SO on the fence, dude. It's like; I just got my admission letters to the entire Ivy League, MIT is howlin' at my door, ditto Stanford and Duke. Oxford and Cambridge were basically beggin' me to join up, and I've got Max Planck on their knees. I just don't know which school to pick there, broham. This kinda' bums me out.
  
• Duuude...that's like so many choices, broski. But peep this in; I was like just checkin' out the Tour on television - you know; checkin' out their wheels to compare with the ride I'm gonna get for my next race, and I totally spied in that NTNU is sponsoring the Tour, dude. How kewl is that.
• Brah; so NTNU is sponsoring the Tour, huh? Awright; that must mean it's a much better school than Harvard and Yale combined. Let's take our 4.0 GPA's and 170+ IQ's and skidaddle over there, right budday?
• Duuuude; I'm SO there. Education rocks, man. Now let's go crush some beer cans on our foreheads, inject some deca and rub our groins against our mountain bikes for a couple of hours.
• Brah; Right on.
  

Crap piece on bodybuilding in Dagbladet

Found a piece on what used to be the Mecca of bodybuilding - Gold's Gym Venice - in Magasinet. The piece was titled "Pump Fiction". Journalist - and I'm using the word in it's broadest context - Espen A. Eik has been to Gold's Venice and interviewed some people there. In the role of "professional bodybuilder", Eik dug up Jerome Ferguson, who - surprise surprise - compares himself to Arnold, because he "has the same car as Arnold, has an apartment on Venice Beach, and has plenty of modelling jobs." Other interviewees include former pro Danny Hester, a douchebag who calls himself Maxxwell Carlisle (yes; double x in the name) and Jan Riggs, who is 62 years old but doesn't look a day older than 61.

In a story about bodybuilding, in the mecca of bodybuilding, these are the interview subjects this "journalist" came up with. Sure; one might argue that the new Mecca is now Milos Sarcev's Koloseum Gym in Fullerton, Ca, but there are still plenty big names working out in Venice. What was the argument leading to this choice? Overexposure of pros like Dennis Wolf, Jay Cutler, Chris Cormier and Bob Chicherillo in Norwegian mainstream media? Didn't think so. What's worse, most of the piece is a blurb about Pumping Iron - the semi-documentary about the 1975 Mr. Olympia starring among others Arnold Schwarzenegger. Way to use the material handy at the location for the piece there, Eik.

Still, the funniest thing in the piece - I refuse to call it an article - comes from adding the moniker "Professional Bodybuilder" to "Hollywood" Jerome Ferguson, as he likes to call himself. Dude's not a professional anything, be it in the IFBB or any other organization. Jerome Ferguson is a scrub who's trying to qualify for a pro card through the NPC, and has washed out of the Nationals many times now. Way to check your facts there, Mr. Eik - if I applied the same research to what I do professionally, I sure hope someone would notice and fire my incompetent ass.

Score one for the good guys

Our gym rolled out a "no tank tops or singlets" policy this week, and we're quite elated.

This was obviously a blow to the local guido community, but it was a long time coming in my humble opinion. This makes it more difficult for the "67 kilos soaking wet carrying a Jansport filled with all of Madonna's remix-cds" monsters who walk around carrying hyooge invisible suitcases to flex/strut their non-existent mass around and gather "you swole bro" comments from the lesser guidos. 'Cause that stuff was really gettin' out of hand at 3T, with set after set of pubescent douchebags rollin' at least deuce deep with their arms akimbo, fragile egos and raging hormones fueled by the buddy blowjobs and the distorted body image they observed in the mirror, like a freakin surface plasma polariton.

Better yet; t-shirts means less gross benches and machines, as these sub-70 kilo monsters never bring towels - that would cramp their style and make it difficult to bring enough protein shakes, water bottles and belts. Plus; when your arm is completely outstretched and you're a skinny runt, the weight of that towel is quite insurmountable. Moreover; no tank tops or singlets means a clear reduction in BO or cheap-ass cosmetic products like the infernal Axe-deodorants - nothin' but net as far as I'm concerned.

Now if they could only roll out a "no freakin' bicycle shorts" policy, I'd be close to ecstatic.

Why bicycle shorts tend to be black

Thanks to Prof. J.G. for the visual aids....

Although wearing bicycle shorts by definition makes you look like some kind of incontinent deviant, the color choice should not be taken lightly.



As you can see the standard black bicycle shorts leaves you looking like a douchebag, but for the gentleman who spends large chunks of time rubbing his groin against a lightly padded metal contraption, a look at the alternatives might offer some insight into why black could be the way to go:

Wrestling is for real

I swear I'm never going to claim that wrestling is fake again...

The dog ate my Deca

Professional athletes use performance-enhancing supplements. Sure; whether 100% of them do is up for debate, but a really large fraction of them does. Even professional dart players and bowlers have been caught using illegal performance-enhancing supplements. Golfers? Yup. Pretty much every sport has a portion of it's athletes all drugged up, but that's not really what's interesting. The interesting part comes when some athlete gets caught with a positive test and tries to explain how he or she got, say, an T/E ratio rivalling that of Dorian Yates ca. 1993. It's never their fault, of course, or the fact is somehow time-dependent, like if they deny it until they've retired and can write a tell-all book about it. Considering the medical expertise professional athletes have at their disposal and the fact that most sports only do a primary test using urine samples (due to the high cost of testing blood), it's frankly quite baffling that anyone gets caught at all, but there's always someone who decided that chewing D-bol two days before a competition was a good idea. But that's another story altogether - some of the time-tested excuses include:

• They're only vitamin B12 shots.. This one's been around since the 50s.... Fail!
• I take extra concentrated amino acids. This one's actually been used by Sylvester Stallone. Fail!
• I drank three cups of coffee for breakfast. One female Norwegian bicycle athlete tried to pull this one off after testing positive for ridiculous amounts of caffeine in the bloodstream. Fail!
• I didn't know my boyfriend was using stereoids and he must have slipped me some without me knowing. Hello, Marion Jones..............and there was also the whole Balco thing... Fail!
• I must've eaten some chicken that's been fed on growth hormone and anabolic stereoids. Yeah right. 'Cause the chicken was just injected with a reservoir of GH and you ate it immediately after without processing it with, say, heat. Fail!
• I've never done stereoids in my life, but I've eaten some protein powder...those damn supplement companies must've laced their product with Winny tablets so that it appears more effective. Hmm....lemme think....cost of milk products like casein and whey versus cost of at least vet grade Winny or D-bol........nope; your ignorant ass must've inhaled those AAS on your own merit. Fail!
• I never did no drugs...my doctor/physical therapist/interior decorator/feng shui-guy must've injected me with them without me knowing. Yup; because you'd never know it if someone gave you shots with three different sized needles twice a day in various body parts...... Fail!
  

Probably not yall's bag but...

In the unlikely event that you are interested in a book about the SoCal bodybuilding scene between 1968 and 1971, this here is the book for you:

West Coast Bodybuilding Scene - The Golden Era by Dick Tyler (2004).
This here book is a collection of columns and longer pieces written by Dick Tyler in what is often referred to as the golden era of bodybuilding. Awesome stories from Muscle Beach and Venice Beach, and personalities like Dave Draper, Don Howorth, Frank Zane, Larry Scott, Zabo Koszewski, Joe Gold, Chuck Sipes, Harold Poole, Art Zeller, Sergio Oliva, Eddie Giuliani, Franco Columbo, Steve Merjanian, Ed Corney, Armand Tanny, Vince Gironda, Joe Weider and that Austrian guy.....what was his name again.....Arnold Schwarzenegger. If these names and the concept of Muscle Beach mean anything to you, then you'll probably enjoy these stories. Like how future global franchises Gold's Gym and World Gym were conceived as a direct result of Muscle Beach being closed down due to some shady activities going on there.

The book is very much written in the language of that time, so there's a lot of "Jeepers Billy; I sure would like a slice of that apple pie and a soda pop". The dialogue could've been lifted from an Archie comic. I've read the book twice now, and the only thing I don't like is that Tyler writes too much from the perspective of total fanboi. Bodybuilder mogul and Tyler's boss at the time - Joe Weider - is getting an epic blowjob via this book, while anyone not into bodybuilding and physical culture is portrayed as philistines and ignorant. Moreover, there is something inherently funny about professional bodybuilders giving "don't do drugs" seminars at high schools. Of course; D-bol and other things were legal back then, they were not on anywhere near the same dosages, they were not on gear most of the year, and they apparently got legit subscriptions from doctors ("You've sure grown a lot over the last two weeks, Larry. Aw shucks Doc; I just started the new Weider routine - thanks for noticing"). But still...

...right woman for the job

VG online is using former javelin athlete Trine Hattestad as a fitness consultant at Vektklubb.no. Not surprisingly, people are asking her how to best burn fat. This - to me - is extremely funny. After all, Hattestad got SO busted for doping back in da day. Sure; I seem to recall that she got away with it by playing the "cryin' in the media and blaiming her cereal, her doctor, coffee and her dog" routine which is SO tired.

Did she actually use performance-enhancing drugs? I wasn't there, so I can't state that she did unless some ruling body found otherwise. However; I CAN say that she definitely fits the profile, and that if your urine test comes back positive for deca or whatever she got busted for, the odds of you being clean aren't that good. And the less said about the odds of some vitamin manufacturer lacing the product with nandrolone the better.

I'm really curious to see what she'll answer when someone asks her what the quickest route to burning fat is, or how she got into peak condition. Is she gonna mumble something about optimum pulse range, frequency and duration of cardio, or is the answer gonna be something along the lines of "Clenbuterol + Winny + McDonalds"?

Legendary Iron Warrior of Steel

Tonight as we ventured to our gym to do our thing, we witnessed first hand an Unstoppable Force of Nature. To set the scene - the night was dark and cold. A wind was howling across the gym parking lot, sending icy chills down the spine of us mere mortal gym franchise customers. As we made our way past the counter, up the stairs and into the area designated for weight training, the leg press machine came into sight. The machine was stacked with more wheels than a car chase scene in Smokey And The Bandit - there was nary any room to load more weights onto the machine. We could sense that an Epic Iron Warrior was seated on the machine, the recycled air filled with the electricity of anticipation, and the Mighty grunts and Snorts from what obviously must be a Legendary Conqueror of Steel - no mere mortal would be brave to load the leg press to capacity and expect to wield the excercise with impunity. Although the Brawny Beast was not in our sightline, we just knew that he was a swole monster. Strong was his Steel, Dark was his Mind, Carmine the Ground that he Treads.

With a mighty roar, the Warrior unhooked the safety, and started grinding out reps, all the while grunting and screaming. After completing a mindboggling six reps with 15 cm range of motion, he let the Unholy Weight crash back onto the safety with a mighty roar. The Warrior, whom for his demeanor ought to outsize both Dorian Yates and Lee Priest, arose from the conquered apparatus, invisible suitcases at the ready, and gave the room a staredown whilst sporting a mighty growl.

What did the Epic and Brutal Warrior look like, you might ask.





Wait for it.............











Waaaaaaaaaaaiiiit for it















WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIITTTT for it










BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! Take a look at this Hunk of Man!!!!

Freakin' nerd! This picture is pretty close to what "he" looked like, though

Operation Raw Deal

...is the title of the largest US steroid crackdown ever. The conclusion was that the average American is as likely as bodybuilders to purchase stereoids. In other news, professional wrestling is scripted, the Earth revolves around the sun, and in a surprising turn of events, Earth might not be flat after all.

In fact; show me a gym - SATS, Elixia, whatever, and I'll find at least one epic weekend warrior who's on gear. Probably not the biggest person in the room either, and not necessarily a man. Check out my list of usual gym suspects in an earlier post for clues to spot some of the usual suspects......